Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Just Say No

There's a pretty funny rant on Newsweek today, and its target is Crocs. You know--the footwear for blind people who nobody likes well enough to help dress.

The first time I saw these abominations was when my cousin stopped by while we were reroofing my mom's house. Actually, that was just a few hours before I fell off the roof, so maybe that's part of my trauma . . .

Anyway, she shows up with her new boyfriend (now her husband) and she's wearing what looks like a pair of toy shoes. She claimed they were comfortable. I thought, "Great, but they make you look like a clown." Like Steve Tuttle, the writer of the Newsweek piece, I have no fashion sense. Fashion, to me, is the most frivolous, pointless pursuit humankind has ever devised. But like Tuttle says, "[E]ven I know these things are an abomination."

Normally the baffling footwear choices are made by women: shoes with giant soles, barbarian boots, the pure oxymoron of upscale flip-flops. But Crocs are a cross-gender phenomenon. Anyone can look like an idiot in these. But hopefully it will die soon. Apparently the business isn't doing so well lately. There's hope.

I only have one disagreement with Tuttle, and that's at the end of his article when he says, "So I'm begging you, America. Just stop. When you wake up tomorrow and look at your options, choose flip-flops. Go barefoot. Wear boots. Anything but Crocs." No. Not flip-flops. Flip-flops are worse.


dchmielewski said...

My folks both have crocs, and one of their cats like to carry them around the house as though they are some sort of deceased animal. I don't know whether this is a commentary on the scent or the appearance. I have never tried them myself, but I hear they are comfortable.

BTW, I have nothing against flip-flops in the proper context. On the beach, yep. Out to a decent restaurant, not so much. Winter, hello!

Jason said...

I figure there are exactly two appropriate uses for flip-flops:

1. At the beach, because actual footwear would be a pain in the ass.

2. In a communal shower, because you need to clean your feet, but there could be fungi on the floor.

And that's it. They aren't actually shoes--they're the footwear equivalent to the hospital gown that shows one's ass.

dchmielewski said...

Ah, the illustrious "shower shoes". Your military roots are showing. Nothing quite like a bunch of swinging dicks in basic training all lined up in their underwear (and flip flops) to use the shower for the 3 minutes of allotted time.

Good memories indeed!

Jim said...

Well, there goes my idea for Christmas gifts for you and Michele.

Erin said...

*looks down a feet*

I get an out on the flip flops because I'm in LA right?

Nik said...

I COMPLETELY agree that these "shoes" are ridiculous - at least for adults. For kids, however, I think they are mildly acceptable. Makes sense they wouldn't care what's on their feet - hell, kids don't match their shirts & pants, why not let them wear clown shoes.

Personally, I don't mind flip flops, except they hurt the spot between my toes. I'll stick with my Birkenstocks tho. =)

M.Filly said...

Jason, you missed the third use of flip-flops, which I found odd considering that it was so closely tied to your other listed uses:


I'm not much for flip flops (one pair, bought for a trip to a WATERPARK and NO crocs (though Jess has a pair.) I'm more of an athletic sandals kind of guy... velcro, and it stays on your feet!

Jason said...

Your military roots are showing.
They seem to do that from time to time. That's exactly where that notion comes from.

Well, there goes my idea for Christmas gifts for you and Michele.
What's this "Christmas" of which you speak?

I get an out on the flip flops because I'm in LA right?
That's some "California Dreaming" right there. Ha!

For kids, however, I think they are mildly acceptable.
I suppose--whatever makes larval humans easier to clean with a hose.

I'd include this in the "Beach" category above, since it also implies the frequent removal of said pseudo-shoes, and would likewise be a pain in the ass.

Jess said...

Wow. What did flip flops ever do to you?

Also, I have to say you'd be pretty sad if us girls gave up some of our sassy shoes--especially our spike heels. What those things do to our butts ought to be illegal. Instant lift and firm. And I know you know you look, pervert.

Jason said...

Back in 'Nam I was held captive by a band of flip-flops. I may never recover.

As for shoes with spike heels--at least those are actually shoes. I endorse the wearing of shoes.

Mike said...


I have a pair, they are fairly comfortable. I like 'em dammit.

Mock me if you will....I can take it.

Jason said...

Mike! Say it ain't so!

That's it--we need to get you "queer eyed."

What the hell is happening to me? No more blog posts about clothes, I say. Not worth thinking about, and now I just referenced the cultural cesspool that is reality TV.

Diana said...

I despise flip flops because I hate seeing feet.

Jason said...

That's exactly my reason, too. And I see the recent popularity of flip-flops as an infantile indulgence in peoples' desires to not wear shoes at all.

I'd like to litter the world with about two inches of broken glass so flip-floppers would either have to put on shoes or bleed to death.